my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
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People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again