I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Cause of death: Zumba
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
get you a girl who
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs