“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
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Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.