I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
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The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.