[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
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Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Effort made
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?