GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
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“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.