I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
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I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
i would wish you the best but i am the best
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”