The honesty is refreshing
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Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”