I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
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My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October