They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
You Might Also Like
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Just me?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.