Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
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Love this guy
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
no!! no!!!!!!