Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
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Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses