I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
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DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores