My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
You Might Also Like
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
*seductively eats two tums*
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.