You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
You Might Also Like
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
That 👊
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine