[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
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I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*