“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
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do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Animal poetry
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
being a writer on Twitter:
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
relationship goals
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.