“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
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She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore