I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
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ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Well, this explains it:
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
tinder is all about the long game
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.