[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
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At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.