BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
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Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Attacked by a mop.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza