Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
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If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Remember folks 😂
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
just pretend nothing happened
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.