*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
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My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”