Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
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[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
A French press is when you hug naked
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.