People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
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she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Sign at work today
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?