Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
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2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.