me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
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The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.