*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
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I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
ok this is my dumbest yet
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.