I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
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Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.