[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
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Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
They’re not wrong