My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
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I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.