[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
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Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.