Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
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Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
United Steaks of America
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo