Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
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My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
kitchen magnet
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO