Great game to play with friends
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me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.