I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
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Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff