“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
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Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Hit me in the face with a bird
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car