Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY