Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
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So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track: