I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
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“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.