What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
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I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.