me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
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Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.