I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
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Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.