I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
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Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I’m not proud
Had a spot of bother earlier.