I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
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Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
my dad has had enough
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
#NeverForget
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.