Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
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My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.