a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
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Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining