Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
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Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.