My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Fight
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
*aggressively waits in line*
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs