me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
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Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
📽️movie date🎞️
black phone good
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked